


Building Up

by insightful_username



Series: Living Life [2]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, But this is probably a three-parter, M/M, Sad Ending, Self-Harm, but not chen for some reason, i dunno though, idk though - Freeform, im pretty sure i only mentioned half of these people, implied depression technically, lol, mentions depression and anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-09
Updated: 2017-05-09
Packaged: 2018-10-29 19:46:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10860819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insightful_username/pseuds/insightful_username
Summary: Years after their relationship was established, Yixing began growing painfully distant, building up the wall that Joonmyeon thought had disappeared.





	Building Up

Yixing woke up, finding his usually warm bed uncomfortably cold in the winter climate they were in. He rubbed his eyes, getting up as it was beginning to be quite typical for him to awaken alone.

Realizing he was already late for his schedule, he changed into loose clothing, placing a cap over his messy bed hair. He opted to chewing gum rather than brushing his teeth, hoping to save some lost time. As an idol, it was his job to travel often, especially between his home country of China, South Korea, and very rarely Japan.

Yixing ran into his group’s black van, his suitcase bouncing behind him on the uneven pavement.

“Sorry I'm late, I guess I overslept.” He said sheepishly, removing his coat upon entering the air conditioned van.

_Have fun in China._

Yixing saw that Joonmyeon had texted him, wishing for him to have a nice time at China. He raised his eyebrow, his boyfriend sent none of his cute “dad” style of emoticons. Usually, a slightly off putting, oddly-shaped emoticon was always present following his previous text.

Yixing shook off the cold feeling running through his heated body, looking into his email, seeing that a new article of him had been posted, alerting him of shocking news.

**_“EXO’s Lay is Dating Someone?”_ **

Though he had spent years in Korea, Yixing still had to concentrate or read the Hangul that was so different from his native language. Yixing could make out the fact that they had accused him of dating a Chinese woman, and from the number typed out numerically on his screen, he could make out that the woman he was supposedly dating was actually twice the age of him. He cringed, wondering how these people got such absurd information on him.

He was fine when he saw an article on him being two-faced as he believed it himself, telling that he won't give up on EXO, yet missing so many of their concerts because of his schedule in China. Although he would say he'd gotten better on not letting his schedules clash so much with his members’.

He turned his phone off, his eyes tired after scrolling through the abundance of comments, many of which heavily doubting the fact, yet many people shaming him. Yixing sighed, feeling as though he'd deserved those hateful comments directed towards him.

  
Joonmyeon had hoped that his boyfriend had been opening up to him, yet he felt all the more confused when he saw news on his boyfriend dating some random woman. He shrugged it off, realizing the news wasn't always right and waited for his boyfriend to tell him the details on how those articles weren't true.

Joonmyeon had just hoped that Yixing would open up more as he already begun doing.

  
Once Yixing had arrived at the airport, he saw a large number of reporters, flashing lights swarming his vision.

“What's this about your dating such an old woman?”

“What are your thoughts on this news?”

“Are you aware of the no dating contact you'd had to sign before you debuted?”

An overwhelming number of shouts, all asking about his true intentions were dizzying.

“Get away!” A security guard shouted at the ravenous crowd of reporters, hungry for information on an article to make them millions in revenue.

He felt truly bad for pushing his way through the crowd, purposefully ignoring the shouts of support towards him.

He boarded the plane with great difficulty, still not letting the questions, angry shouts, and supporting voices faze his slowly crumbling façade. Yixing pulled the bill of his cap lower over his face, trying to hide his slowly quickening breath as his chest rose and sank in great speed.

“Fuck.” He cursed nearly silently as he attempted to gather himself in such a public space.

Yixing closed his eyes, still refusing to take his cap off, wishing he could be by his boyfriend’s side. He sank once more to the bottom of the figurative ocean, hoping he'd never be there ever again. Yixing squeezed his eyes shut regardlessly, hating how overly sensitive he was.

~~

When Yixing had landed in China, he immediately went to his parents’ house, hoping for salvation in a time of sudden darkness.

“Son, we were expecting you.” His mother had said, forcing for him to reconfigure his brain to Chinese after using Korean for so long.

“Good afternoon, Mother, Father.” Yixing bowed politely to his parents.

“Good, it's time you learned respect.” His father said rudely. “I'm sure you saw the news of you dating this woman, but it's true. Even though you are an idol, we still believe it isn't a fitting career for you.”

Yixing fought back the urge to return a comeback in an equally rude tone, yet let himself get put down by his own parents.

“I mean, look at you. Even if you cleaned up, you're still far from as good looking as even half of your group mates. And that boy you came home with so long ago won't benefit you in any way, especially how lovingly you look at him.”

Yixing cringed slightly, wondering when his parents had become so caught up on him joining their company so they could have their own personal benefit, giving none to him.

“I'm sorry Father, I can't accept this. I love that man with all my heart and if you think you can separate us, you'd be wrong.” Yixing said softly, not wanting to see any consequences he'd have after talking back to his father.

“Excuse me? Since when did you gain such a sharp tongue? I think you're wrong, however. That group of yours is toxic for you, be like the others who'd left it. I'm only thinking the best for you.” His father continued.

Yixing inhaled deeply, never wanting for his parents to bring up the former member topic again. “I won't be like that, Father. I love the group and they love me. And if you're thinking only the best for me, then why won't you let me do what I love?”

“Didn't I teach you not to be selfish? When have you become so disobedient, son?”

“I'm not trying to be selfish, I'm stating my thoughts on this situation. Can't you give me any say in my own life!?” Yixing states, nearly shouting.

A loud, sharp sound of skin being hit rang through the house, startling the silence in the home, forcing a thick air of tension into the home.

“Do not defy me again and listen to me as I say that you must marry that woman.”

“Yes, father.” Yixing stated quietly, grabbing the handle of his suitcase and left.

Yixing walked out, unnecessarily quiet as he went to his hotel. He looked in his bathroom’s mirror, wincing as he rubbed at his face, wanting to scrub off his father’s harsh words towards him. He sighed, splashing water over his face before going out to the main part of his room.

His phone vibrated, his ringtone echoing through the nearly silent room.

“Hello?” Yixing asked in Chinese, suddenly extremely tired.

“Yixing, it's me, Joonmyeon. I hope you aren't busy right now,” Joonmyeon said sheepishly.

“No, it's fine, I was just meeting my parents.” Yixing rubbed at his eyes.

“Oh, I'm sorry. This isn't a good time?”

“No, it's fine. I'm just tired.” Yixing said, slurring some syllables together.

“Okay, okay, I'll call back later.” The slight hint of disappointment in Joonmyeon’s voice signaled that Yixing had said something wrong. He sighed, too tired to deal with anything else even though it was barely past noon.

There were no goodbyes, no kissing noises being shared through the receiver, and no emotion present in the call as Yixing would've hoped for. For a validating phone call, Yixing felt none of the relief that he wanted to hear as he felt himself fall under once more.

He fell on the hotel bed, missing Joonmyeon being next to him, comforting him when he was feeling down lower than he'd wanted to, but without him or the support he needed, he felt as if he'd fallen lower than ever. He'd fallen so low that he felt his feet touch the bottom of the figurative ocean, with no way to get back up.

~~

“Welcome back!” Joonmyeon smiled widely as Yixing entered the black van.

“What are you doing here?” Yixing asked cautiously, more reserved than how he usually was.

“Gosh, that ain't a nice way to greet your boyfriend,” Joonmyeon continued, an odd accent skewing his voice. He burst out laughing, asking himself what he was doing, “Anyway, I'm here because I had to get to the company’s studio, and I figured why not since I believe you're going there too.”

Yixing nodded slowly, blushing slightly. “Thank you… for thinking of me.”

Joonmyeon frowned, wondering when Yixing had gravitated back into his shell even after opening up so much. It wasn't very obvious, but Joonmyeon knew his group mate well enough to tell that something had changed with Yixing.

“Is… is something wrong?” Joonmyeon asked softly, hoping to coax an answer out of the younger male.

“No, no… it's fine.” Yixing forced a smile. “I'm just a bit tired.”

“Oh… okay.” Joonmyeon smiled, looking out the tinted windows.

Joonmyeon pursed his lips, wanting to kiss the life out of his boyfriend, but stopped himself from making Yixing retract more into his shell.

~~

Yixing sat in a chair, opting to go back to his room rather than practice with his group members under the stigma that he'd felt too tired and sick to practice with them.

A rapping on the door rang through the silence in the dorm.

Reminiscing, Yixing remembered a year prior, the same scene unfolded.

“Gosh, I'm surprised that this is happening again,” Joonmyeon’s voice was sweet, yet not saccharine. He sighed, “Yixing, I know something’s wrong, just let me back into your world.”

Yixing leaned back in his chair, a sour screeching sound filling his ears as he sighed.

“I'm sorry if I did anything wrong, I was just scared that you'd go back to the way you were before. I missed it when you were so open, even if it were only a few days ago.”

“Yixing…” Joonmyeon choked out with a sad laugh, “I'm here for you… I love you…”

Yixing felt his eyes water, a stinging feeling appearing behind his eyes. An all to familiar feeling. He breathed in, shuddering while doing so.

“Joonmyeon…” Yixing said, his voice barely a whisper. “I'm sorry, I just… I can't afford to lose you now.”

His voice wavered, showing the weakness Yixing had always hated showing.

~~

“What's this about you and dating someone?” The company’s C.E.O. asked, taking matters into his own hands.

“I'm… I'm not.” Yixing stuttered through his anxiety. “Not yet, a-at least…”

The older male clicked his tongue, the “tch” sound harsh like nails on a chalkboard.

“Tell the truth.”

Yixing gulped, the sound more obvious than ever in the nearly silent room, “My f-father is arranging a marriage for me… I-I'm working on d-d-dealing with… dealing with him. Please… just t-trust in me now.”

“Look, I'll believe, but we can't put a claim out telling your fans that their idol’s father are forcing their child to marry someone that's such an old age… it doesn't work like that,” The older man sighed. “How about this, fix this problem or we will for you.”

Yixing gulped once more, tugging at his already low-collared shirt, feeling a wave of nausea pass through him as he felt the figurative ocean bottom shake from underneath him. He fell again, even if it didn't seem like it were possible. He sank lower and lower, further down than he'd ever felt before.

The C.E.O. dismissed Yixing back to his group's dorm.

Yixing locked himself in the bathroom, wishing he'd gotten the dorm’s master’s room. As quietly as possible, he shut the toilet lid, sitting on it as his mind began to race with thoughts. He looked in the cabinets underneath the sink, hoping to find something to give him salvation, even if it were for only one singular second. Luckily, remembering Baekhyun and Chanyeol’s rough housing in the bathroom, he found the shard of mirror that had chipped from the corner of the mirror.

He pressed the shard into his delicate skin, gliding it down in one solid stroke. Nearly instantaneously, he saw dots of red peek from the cut, giving him a slight sense of relief. Then, as a line of blood dripped from the cut, Yixing felt his mind race as the blood almost became alive, wrapping itself around his neck. Yixing’s chest heaved in and out as he struggled to regain breath. The relentless grip only tightened as he clawed at his shirt, trying to remove the source of his struggles. His chest felt tight, barely able to contain his lungs as he attempted to breathe in and out.

“Yixing, you've been in there for hours, come out please.” The oldest member’s coaxing voice said with urgency.

“Yeah…” Yixing breathed out. “I'll… I’ll b-be out in a second.”

Yixing wrapped a gauze around his cut, flushing to toilet to make it seem like he wasn't messing around in the bathroom and exited.

Minseok, taking mind to Yixing’s weak voice, pale skin, and amount of time the Chinese male had spent in the bathroom led him to believe that Yixing was still ill from nearly two weeks prior.

“You okay?” He asked the younger male. Yixing’s breathing hitched again as he felt like he was falling again. Even though he was used to his mind telling him that it was falling under the water for him, Yixing had actually stumbled, losing both balance and consciousness.

“Shit man, are you okay?” Minseok swore, taking the younger’s temperature with his slightly warm hands.

Yixing groaned, gripping at his chest. He shuddered as he attempted to take in a breath, unable to fill his lungs. Tears ran down his face as he tried grabbing for his boyfriend, painfully lonely.

Minseok jumped up, bumping into Kyungsoo and Jongin as they attempted to sneak out of the dorm.

“What the…” Jongin began as he looked at the scene in front of him.

“Someone hold him down before he hurts himself and I'll get the manager.” Kyungsoo said, sighing.

The two remaining in the hallway looked at each other, attempting to calm the third oldest down. Minseok’s desire of going to the bathroom long forgotten.

“What happened?” The manager asked as he was dragged to the scene in the middle of the hallway. He raised an eyebrow, observing the scene in front of him. “Calm down, he isn't spazzing out, I'm sure it's just a breakdown, now just back away.”

The two got up, eying the panicking male cautiously.

“What's wrong?” The phrase repeated like a broken record.

“W-would y-y-you miss me if I… if I w-were to l-leave like the o-others?” Yixing stuttered through his tears.

“Is… is this what’s wrong?” Jongin asked. “Of course we would, why would you think that?”

Yixing got up shakily, grabbing his phone from his pocket, attempting to open the news site he'd first saw about his arranged marriage.

“What about this?” The manager asked, confused. He gasped. “It's… it’s not true, is it?”

Yixing shook his head sadly, now completely calmed down.

“Yixing…” Kyungsoo began, yet unable to find words that wouldn't convey how much he pitied the older male.

“Just… don't tell Joonmyeon… I want to tell him on my own,” Yixing sighed, getting up albeit shakily, “Thanks anyway.”

“Yi—” Joonmyeon began overhearing the conversation happening outside of his room. He cut himself off when he heard a thud, then the sounds of shouts.

He left his room, seeing that his boyfriend had fainted.

~~

“So we're you going to tell me?” Joonmyeon asked quietly after finding Yixing alone.

The Chinese male gasped, holding his breath.

“I'm sorry,” Yixing apologized immediately, looking unnecessarily guilty.

“I'm not accusing you already… you don't have to be apologetic, it’s just— I want you to tell me what's wrong, okay?” Joonmyeon said straightforwardly.

“I wanted to, trust me, I did.” Yixing sighed, looking down at his mid thigh. “I wanted to, but every time I wanted to, it felt like my mouth… was glued shut.”

“It's fine,” Joonmyeon interrupted, “I understand, but we’re still idols. Just because your father forced you to do something you don't want to doesn't mean you’ll get out scot-free.”

The two stopped, looking at each other.

“Look, I love you. More than you could ever know, but maybe we should take a break?” Joonmyeon began, looking at Yixing’s face as it begins morphing into horror before becoming stoic once more.

“I understand.” Yixing said softly, feeling the stinging feeling behind his eyes and nose as he struggled against his tears.

“Don't take this the wrong way, okay?” Joonmyeon said gently, “We have our careers to focus on. We're idols, we can't be dating all willy-nilly like this.”

Yixing nodded, quietly leaving the room.

  
The next time they see each other, Yixing’s normally bright smile was replaced by a painfully fake smile, pretending he didn't care. Joonmyeon’s eyes were puffy and bloodshot from his apparent crying. The tension between them made the dorm awkward and difficult to live in as the other members tried to live their normal lives.

Yixing retreats to his room soon after Joonmyeon walked into the kitchen, catching a quick glimpse at the other. He frowned, never understanding why the person who broke the heart was always the person more emotionally distraught.

Yixing felt himself being pulled above the figurative water as he glides up, finding himself trapped in a forest where the only thing he could see was fog and trees. Although the drowning feeling had faded away, he felt lost, unable to find his way to his seemingly near happiness.

He grabbed his phone from his dresser, happy that they were free to do whatever they wanted.

“Hello?” A calm voice answered.

Yixing didn't respond, realizing he'd thrown himself into the spotlight way quicker than he'd anticipated.

“Did you call the wrong number?” The other asked, his Chinese becoming more difficult to understand for Yixing. “Yixing, I thought you'd never call me again after I'd left.”

“Kris…” Yixing began, still used to calling the older member by his English name.

“Yes, that's me. Is something wrong?” Yifan asked.

“No…” Yixing’s voice faded.

“Did Luhan try to convince you to become less selfish again?” He swore, “He did it to me right after I'd left the group, so don't feel too offended.”

“That's not what I mean…” Yixing found his words after having not been able to think of anything to say, “Can we meet up?”

“I'm in the west right now, how about when I'm free and when you're free, we could meet up, in China, I mean,” Yifan laughed, “I'll tell you, my rapping improved quite a lot since I'd left.”

The younger male paused, keeping his phone to his ear as he began thinking, wondering how they could still talk to each other as if nothing happened between Yifan and the rest of the group.

“Yeah,” Yixing smiled softly, “I'll be awaiting that moment.”

Yifan fell silent, as if deep in thought, “Is something wrong?” He repeated again.

“No… I just… I just want to see you again…” Yixing stopped, feeling tears flow from his eyes, “I want to feel like I'm actually needed. After all, I'm just that one stupid foreign member in a group of almost all Koreans.”

“I don't get it…” Kris began, “Why are you talking like you are just the burden in your group, not a valuable asset. You have a great voice, and you're one of the best dancer.”

“That's not important, why can't you see?” Yixing said, trying to find his way out of the fog, “Baekhyun, Kyungsoo, and Joonmyeon can easily fill my singing roles; and Jongin and Sehun could easily dance several times better than me.”

“Stop putting yourself down like that,” Kris said, sighing, “you guys are on a hiatus, right?”

Yixing hummed in responding, meaning a yes.

“Then go home,” Yifan said offhandedly.

“Yeah, sure,” Yixing said, forgetting of his parents’ harsh expectations of him.

~~

“Welcome back son,” Yixing’s mom said saccharinely.

Yixing sighed, dragging his suitcase into the apartment. “Hello, mother.”

“Have you finally left that man?” His mother asked, directing her statement at Joonmyeon.

Yixing breathed in deeply, feeling a headache come on already. He sighed, hoping he might actually find his way out of the fog, but felt himself stumble deeper into the forest.

“I'm sorry, mother, father,” Yixing sighed, finally deciding to voice out his thoughts. “I wanted to come out.”

“I apologize, what the hell do you mean!?” His father said, already fuming.

“I'm gay.” Yixing said, wincing.

The older man huffed out, ready to lash out at his son, “Fine. How about someone else.”

The three stayed silent, the tension thick in the air.

“I'll fix the arrangements. Now go to your room.”

“No,” Yixing said, dizzy as his breath sped up once more.

“Leave. Just leave,” The old man said, ready to explode.

Yixing breathed in, grabbing his suitcase and ran out the door, his suitcase bouncing behind him as he ran off.

The young Chinese male looked around, fans beginning to swarm him.

“Where are your members?” The fans asked with dizzying speed.

Yixing winced, still appreciating how the fans avoided being too close to him. He forced a smile on his face, waving to the fans as he hurriedly ran to a hotel, his driver attempting to trace him again after losing him.

Yixing struggled to keep his composure as he made his way to the van.

“Are you alright?” The chauffeur asked as Yixing made his way onto the car. The broken record continued repeating the same question.

“I'm fine.” Yixing said, sighing heavily.

The chauffeur didn't press on any further as the atmosphere fell into an awkward silence.

He picked his phone up, calling his former boyfriend’s phone number, not caring that they already broke their relationship off.

“Hello? Yixing?” Joonmyeon asked, a worried tone in his voice, “Where the hell are you?”

“I…” Yixing attempted to speak, yet was unable to find the words to say.

“Are you okay?” Joonmyeon stopped midway through his thought process, “No, I'm sorry. I forgot. Anyway, I'm sorry. I thought I'd be stronger than this.”

Joonmyeon’s usually strong voice was shaking, as if he felt the same say as Yixing.

“I… didn't want to break it off, okay?” Joonmyeon paused, his smooth voice cracking, “I really didn't want to, but they told me to break it off, the manager especially. How ‘bout we just cover it up better and we get back together?”

“Joonmyeon, I'd love to, but my parents… they don't want me to be with you,” Yixing could hear Joonmyeon’s voice as the latter attempted to interrupt him, “The rest of the group too… they want me to quit… like the rest of them…”

“Is this… is this really how we end?” Joonmyeon said in disbelief, yet not angered.

Yixing huffed out, not wanting to give out an honest answer.

“Can't you defy them? You're a grown man. Why don't you just do this?” Joonmyeon said, his voice shaking violently.

“I'm sorry,” Yixing repeats like a mantra, “I can't.”

“Why not?” Joonmyeon asked, his voice weaker than ever.

“I'm sorry,” Yixing repeats.

“Please, Yixing… come back. We need you… I need you.”

Yixing slowly removes the phone from his ear, placing the phone to his chest, breathing in and out. He lifted the phone up moments later, pressing the “end call” button.

Yixing ran his hands through his hair, his hands pausing midway through before gripping at his head. His fingers scraped at his scalp as he dropped down, curling into a ball onto the carpet. He wanted to scream and cry until the ocean he'd felt like he was drowning in became a reality.

He sighed, getting up after a while, forcing himself to text his group mates in their group chat.

_I'm sorry, guys. Don't hate me._

  
Yixing opened his eyes the morning after his text to his group mates, seeing their text messages to him. They questioned if he was okay, but said nothing more. His phone buzzed in his hands.

“Hello?” He asked, voice dull and scratchy.

“Is this not a good time?” Yifan asked awkwardly.

“No, it's fine. I'm just really tired.” Yixing mumbled.

“I'm in China right now… would you like to meet?” the Canadian-Chinese male asked.

“Really?” Yixing replied.

“Yeah,” the older male began sheepishly, “Should I meet at your hotel?”

“Sure.”

The two continued talking, still as if nothing had changed between them. Yixing almost felt like he was at home, Yifan being one of his childhood friends, along with Luhan and Zitao. He felt like he was somewhere he belonged, especially after being in a group of all Koreans. The amount of Korean he had to learn made him almost forget about his native language.

His mind flashed back to their debut, years prior, where the group was still divided into two, six in the Korean subgroup, six in the Chinese subgroup. EXO-M was a largely forgotten group, but he remembered those moments when he actually felt like he had a role in the group. Then he thought back further, barely able to remember how he was originally supposed to be the leader but was pushed down to only the dancer, who was far worse than the Korean subgroup’s own.

“I'll see you later,” Yifan had said after Yixing’s mind flashes back to reality.

“Bye, ge,” Yixing said, the honorific slipping from his mouth.

Yixing lied down on his bed, feeling regret wash over him. He took his phone out and dialed his former boyfriend’s number.

“Yixing!” Joonmyeon’s Korean accent was heavy on Yixing’s own name. “What happened last night?”

“It's nothing, alright. I'm just trying to sort out my emotions. It's fine, I can take care of it by myself.”

“You… you weren't like this before,” Joonmyeon blurted out.

Yixing stayed silent, his mouth glued shut as his eyes began to sting. He whimpered softly, realizing the tears had already fallen.

“What happened?” Joonmyeon asked in concern.

“I'm just tired,” Yixing repeated, having not realized how tired he'd actually become over the years.

“I just… I… it's… I miss you, okay?” Joonmyeon said softly, “I wish this entire thing will just sort out and we could just go back to the way we were before.”

“I-I want to… but I can't,” Yixing began in a whisper, “I love you… I really d-do, I just can't commit j-just yet.”

“I know, I know.”

They both fell silent. Yixing felt the tears continue to trail down his face as he felt himself fall from exhaustion, almost as if he had to physically rebuild the figurative wall around him, brick by brick. He accepted the forest he'd been trapped in, having given up.

“Goodbye,” Joonmyeon whispered softly.

Yixing rubbed at his face again, having never felt so tired in his life. He lied back down, flopping into his barely done bed as he felt his eyes slip shut.

  
“Yixing, are you alright?” His mother’s soft voice asked to the young child.

“Mom, why are you so blurry?”

“I'm not, honey,” the woman said kindly, feeling her son’s burning forehead, “wake up.”

  
Yixing jolted awake seconds after he drifted out of consciousness.

“Yi… fan?” He asked as his vision began to defog slightly.

“Yeah, it's me. Have you been sleeping recently? Or even eating?”

“I've… I… I guess I forgot,” the younger male said sheepishly.

“Great, don't forget and you aren't going anywhere. You're sick and I'm not letting you out of this room until you're better.”

Yixing mentally swore, cursing himself for getting himself in such a situation.

“No, you don't understand…” he choked out, “I need to go out there, the members are traveling here later, we have a concert.” Yixing said, suddenly remembering his schedule in China, realizing he wasn't supposed to dilly-dally his way around his home country.

“You ain't leaving this room until I fucking tell you!” Yifan rose his voice, practically tackling his younger member into the bed.

Yixing ran a hand through his hair, too tired to argue, “Fine, just don't tell the others.”

“Sure, I won't. Just stop fighting so hard.”

Yixing’s phone buzzed.

_Yixing_

_I'm in front of your hotel room. Let me in, please._

Yixing’s breath hitched, he was panicking.

“Calm down, what happened?” Kris asked.

“Joonmyeon’s here. Stay low for now,” Yixing whispered to the older male.

Yixing unlocked the door, seeing his former boyfriend in front of him. His breathing hitched, suddenly overwhelmed by emotions. “Hi,” he breathed out. Rather than getting a response, the leader wrapped his hands around Yixing.

“Are you okay?” Joonmyeon asked nearly silently.

“Fine,” Yixing whispered once more.

“Are you really?” Joonmyeon asked. “Can you really define what ‘fine’ is if you can't even remember the last time to were?”

“How do you know that?” Yixing whispered softly.

“I can tell. After all, I am the mother of the group anyway.”

Yixing looked down guiltily as he swallowed, breathing in deeply. He felt so unclean, dirty to the point where he barely felt qualified as a human being. He felt disgusting to the point to insanity.

“Stop living your life like that, just be selfish for once,” Joonmyeon said, his arms still wrapped tightly around his group member as tears began falling from his gentle eyes.

“I… I will,” Yixing said softly, “I love you, Joonmyeon.”

The older smiled against Yixing’s neck, tears still streaming down his face. “I love you too.”

Kris watched in silence, realizing that instead of joining them, he preferred to watch over them as they cried; as they smiled. He enjoyed the feeling, the feeling as if he were still with his close friends.

“Please… just… I love you more than anything,” Joonmyeon continued.

Yixing let go of his former and current lover, smiling sadly. He looked out into the hall and cautiously walked out, “We have a concert to prepare for, don't we?” He said, the sad smile ever-looming on his saddened countenance.

“Yeah… we do,” Joonmyeon’s voice faded out as he saw someone move from within the shadows of the now dark hotel room. He sighed, “Yifan, I know you're in there.”

The tall male walked out awkwardly, feeling guilty for spying on such a private moment, “I'm sorry.”

The shorter male placed a close-mouthed smile on his face, “I missed you.”

The leader hugged the older male and smiled once more, waving goodbye to the former leader of the Chinese subgroup.

~~

“I hope you guys enjoyed our concert…” Yixing paused, looking down at his feet for a bit, “Unfortunately however… this… I…,” he sighed, “this is going to be my last concert w-with the group for awhile… I'm sorry, don't hate the group, they didn't do anything wrong and we aren't being treated too badly… I just… I want to clear my head.”

The audience went silent, then it went hysterical. Screams said for his to stay, for him to keep his promise he'd made all those years ago, but the cries fell unto deaf ears. Yixing smiled sadly, lowering the cap over his face. He dropped the microphone, a short static noise rang out, the sound of the microphone hitting the ground echoing in the manic theater.

Yixing trekked off the stage, keeping his head forward as he tried not to cry.

  
“What the hell are you saying!?” The manager asked, face red with anger.

“I'm leaving the group. I'm sorry,” Yixing says, his cap covering his eyes, obstructing his view.

“The hell you ain't!” The older man looked angrily at the young man, his statement barely making sense over his anger.

“I'm sorry,” Yixing started, voice cracking slightly, “I just need to sort some things out, just let me be,” he feigned a smile, his eyes still obstructed.

“You can't do this, we need you,”

“No you don't… I'm sorry,” Yixing apologized once more, bowing the full ninety degrees and walked away, his knees still weak.

 

“I'm sorry,” he says once more, thoughts gone with his consciousness.

 

**Author's Note:**

> as stated in the last installment of this series (which surprisingly is actually a series that has questionable chronology.) suicide is not the answer and i know how much worse other people's lives are than my own and that it's difficult for them to actually drive themselves from the rut theyve found themselves deep within. contact someone, anyone if youre really in that low of a place, but know that when youve reached your limit, theres only one way left to go and its up, no matter how grueling of a task it may seem to be.
> 
> (edit: this'll probably be a three-parter, but i really have to sort some personal stuff up right now, but i hope it doesnt largely affect the quality of the "series" and ill see you next year.)


End file.
